I’ve been the fattest piggiest pig for going on three weeks now.

Somehow, MIRACULOUSLY, I have gained NO weight. Which is alarming, but wonderful. Still, though, I feel like crap about myself because all of my self control has gone whizzing out the window, so tomorrow I *WILL* be hitting the treadmill again out of sheer guilt and self loathing.

This is what strict dieting for over a year will do to you. I’m eating like someone is trying to take my food away, and with every single bite I take I hate myself that much more. The way I see/think about food is beyond fucked up, and that really sucks.

Legitimately hating myself right now because a friend dragged me out of my house and force-fed me against my will. I had about 500 calories left for the day, I worked out for over an hour earlier today, and I was feeling really good about taking control back over my eating habits.

She asked if I wanted to get dinner. I accepted her invitation. We ended up getting spaghetti. Well, alright, that was about 150 calories over my goal, but I’d live. She asked if I wanted breadsticks. I said no, you have them. She then screamed at me until I agreed to eat one. And another one. THEN SHE MADE A FUCKING PIE AND FORCED ME TO EAT THAT, TOO, BY HOWLING IN MY FACE LIKE A BANSHEE.

I’m so, so, so fucking angry. I ended up a good 700 calories over my goal, and that’s INCLUDING my workout. What the fucking fuck. I’m seriously sitting here crying because I’m so angry. AND I’M MAD THAT I FEEL THIS WAY. This is not normal. This is not healthy.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I BECOMING?

Three people today told me I was “too skinny”.

What the fuck.

I’ve been big for most of life, and now that I’m FINALLY starting to feel normal, people want to give me shit for losing weight. How is this alright? I’m not unhealthy. I’m not starving. My collarbones are a little intense, I guess, but I’m still thick around my midsection (and perfectly alright with that, thankyouverymuch) AND I’M FINALLY HAPPY WITH MYSELF. Why do people always want to take something away from me?

It doesn’t matter. Today’s my goddamn cheat day and I’ve already had an amazing lunch at a wonderful Mexican restaurant (chips & salsa, arroz con pollo, and a raspberry margarita) and now my friend is coming over and we’re going to go buy a fucking cake.

So suck my dick.

Some days I really miss eating whatever I want.

But I do NOT miss weighing 200+ pounds.

More than anything, I wish I had more money so I could buy more fresh food. Fruit always goes bad before I can eat it all. ;_; I’m so sick of Smart Ones and Lean Cuisine. Processed crap. /dietingproblems

SpaghettiOs (plus calcium!) for dinner because I’m five years old.

Grosssssss.

So, since today was Easter and I’ve been doing super well with working out more and staying on track with my calorie counting, I decided today would be a cheat day.

I binged. All day. And now I feel absolutely horrible. I don’t feel guilty or anything like that, but physically, I feel awful. Ham, corn, and fruit were the only proper foods I had all day. The rest was garbage. This serves as an excellent reminder that eating bad foods in mass quantities is not a good idea. I feel heavy and sleepy and just flat out gross.

Lesson learned. This week has been very educational. Note to self: binge drinking & binge eating are terrible ideas. Don’t do that shit ever again. You will be happier. And less sick. MODERATION MODERATION MODERATION.

Back on the wagon tomorrow. Blech.

Officially down three pant sizes. :D

Smaller now than I ever was in high school. Having trouble being able to afford new clothes as quickly as I’m shrinking out of them. Also realized that I am subconsciously shopping for someone bigger than I am, and that’s becoming a problem, too. I bought two new shirts on Tuesday that are too big because I’m having trouble believing that I could be any size other than “Large”. Most of my older clothes look like potato sacks on me, and that’s frustrating.

My mom actually helped me out a lot yesterday. Bless her for being 41 and still dressing like she’s in her twenties. I am now the owner of at least five pairs of comfy, well-loved jeans that fit PERFECTLY and don’t just bunch at my crotch because I have to tighten my belt so much just to keep them up. Mom also said that when she gets her tax check she’s gonna take me shopping properly for new clothes. I guess we’ll see about that, because she says a lot of things.

Either way, I’m excited. And so, so proud of myself. Less than ten pounds to go before I hit my goal! :D

22 years old, 5’8
Highest weight: 212
Starting Weight: 208 (August, 2011)
Current Weight: 157!!!!

22 years old, 5’8

Highest weight: 212

Starting Weight: 208 (August, 2011)

Current Weight: 157!!!!

The sun was out today! :)
Super bright in my grandma’s bathroom, but I felt cute so I took a picture. I’ve also lost another 4 1/2 pounds since my last weigh-in two weeks ago!

The sun was out today! :)

Super bright in my grandma’s bathroom, but I felt cute so I took a picture. I’ve also lost another 4 1/2 pounds since my last weigh-in two weeks ago!

I have officially lost 40 pounds since August.

I AM AWESOME I AM AWESOME I AM AWESOME I AM AWESOME

I started at 208, and I am now 168. I haven’t been in the 160s since I was 16 years old. I’m also fairly tall (5’8) so this is fantastic for me.

BRB dancing around the house forever

Basically what just took place in my bedroom was “Jesska’s funtime fashion show” complete with misty eyes when I discovered that all of my old clothes fit me again. Clothes I’ve had boxed away; clothes that haven’t fit since I was 15. I now have four new pairs of jeans, three pairs of dress pants, and about 17 tops that are wearable again.

Then, obviously, I did one hell of a “FUCK YEAH I AM AWESOME” dance.

I know y’all don’t care, and I talk about this kind of thing more than I’d like to, but HOLY SHIT and also YAAAAAAAY