It’s only Tuesday but I have decided that this week is dogshit.
Mentally, I’ve not been doing great. My Health Anxiety is flaring up and I’ve been worrying and obsessing over this mysterious dull ache on the left side of my belly for about… three months now? No swelling, no fever, can’t feel anything hard or unusual, but I’ve just got this weird discomfort that is slowly taking over my life because I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. So, that’s good.
Work is dumb. I only like one of my co-workers, I don’t get paid enough, I’m treated like an idiot, and lately it feels like every weirdo in town is singling me out to chat to for fucking HOURS AT A TIME. These people don’t buy anything, they just follow me around asking stupid questions while creeping me the fuck out.
I feel fat. I am fat. I’m over 160, for the first time in two years. Trying to fight off mean thoughts about that so I don’t spiral out and stop eating all together… which is what happened last time.
I’m mean and snippy with everyone because my brain is being evil. I feel gross and fat and I’m worried about EVERYTHING all the time, which is exhausting. I’ve been having nightmares and gnashing my teeth in my sleep, and I don’t know how to make any of it STOP. I just want it to STOP. I’m so fucking tiiiired.
And, today, all I wanted in the world was to have pizza rolls for lunch before I go to work and I preheated the oven and everything and then, lo and behold, all we have is sausage pizza rolls and I can’t eat those. This seems like a stupid thing, and it is, but I literally almost broke down over a bag of fucking pizza rolls this afternoon and that is a pretty clear sign that I am not doing very well.
Top: Kevin is a sad cow
Bottom: I really thought that this picture would be better cos I had that ‘Tyra Banks fucking wind in my hair’ goin on, but nope I just look like an idiot like I always fucking do
Everything in the whole world is booty so this is my grandpa appreciation post.
My grandfather is the coolest guy, seriously.
Picture of Kev & I looking adorable at my birthday celebration last week just popped up on facebook. First of all, LOOK AT MY FUCKING SHOES. THEY ARE MADE OF SPARKLES. Second, I love that I am absolutely towering over Kevin in this photo. I’m tall to begin with (5’8) but in heels I’m a fucking monster. Bahahaha.
I can’t post this on Facebook because it’ll probably start some shit, but I did just want to put this somewhere because it really fucking hurt my feelings.
If any of you read my “Read More” post last month about weddings and the old friend of mine whose wedding I attended, you know that I had a sneaking suspicion that she was angry with me because I couldn’t afford to go to the bridal shower or bachelorette party. Kevin and I DID, however, attend the wedding. I sat by the aisle so I could watch her come in. She gave me a thumbs up as she passed me. The wedding was short and sweet and Kevin and I were also two of the few people who actually stuck around for the reception.
We were ignored almost the entire time. She came by and said “Hi” once. She sent the Maid of Honor over to briefly speak to us, but the conversation felt forced and awkward. No one else at the wedding spoke to us. We had a few drinks and we left. I have not heard from her since.
My birthday was Monday. This girl is usually one of the first people to text me or call on my birthday. She didn’t. At all. I didn’t even get a half-assed “Happy Birthday!” post on Facebook.
I just feel really brushed aside and it SUCKS that my suspicions about her being mad at me seem to be true. I supported her and her special day in the only way I could. I was friendly, and truly happy for her.
Growing up is NEAT. Watching people who used to care about you turn into shallow, selfish jerks is also NEAT. Guhhhh.
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeeeee…..
Couldn’t even manage to sleep in today, though. Which is dumb. No concrete plans, don’t have to work, and for some stupid reason I woke up at like 8:15 a.m. Rolled around in bed for over an hour trying to go back to sleep, finally gave up on that.
My hair looks pretty good this morning, though.
I don’t feel 25.
Rounded up my favorite people in the world last night and went out to a “geek” themed party and also to celebrate my upcoming birthday! I, naturally, was Ho’Mione Granger from Gryffinwhore house (and wore really amazing shoes that sadly I don’t have a photo of). Kev’s costume was highly debated. Was he a Code Monkey? Was he a young Gorilla Grood? Was he Ben Stiller? Or was he Knobby the House Elf? Either way, that’s a great fucking hat.
Much karaoke and laughing and silliness and CAKE was had. It was a pretty good night (my MOM even came out and partied with us for an hour or so!) and we all ended up at IHOP at 2 in the morning, and that’s a sure sign of a good night.
So I’m going to be 25 in like two hours. That’s pretty neat.
Sunday nights with baby <3
I’ve been going out for breakfast with my grandfather nearly every single Friday morning for going on four years now.
He’s seriously one of the sweetest, funniest, most generous and loving people in the entire world and I am so, so blessed to have him in my life.